Verge of a breakdown...(please read)

It is taking all of my energy at the moment to not just hide myself away from the world. It feels like trying to constantly take a breath but not being able to. I am so behind on EVERYTHING and all I can say is sorry sorry sorry, I am trying so hard to fight through mental issues to actually get work done. No-one feels so bad about you not having your art than I, I promise you. I beat myself up about it on a daily basis. Sorry if this all sounds very whiny but I just want to attempt to explain myself. (wow this is difficult)

I have no money -literally- none, if I did, I'd give everyone a refund and start fresh but I can't so we're stuck with each other til I give you what I owe you. I am also sorry to those whose notes I have seemingly ignored, just seeing the new note icon gives me anxiety and awful guilt and self-hatred so it's like punching through a physical brick wall to read, construct a reply and hit send. (my brain is faulty)

Patreon is another thing...I started it in hopes to alleviate stress but it has made it SO much worse in that I owe art at a deadline and therefore become further and further behind, owing months of artwork when I'm struggling to get through my old commissions. I think I'll have to make some big changes and soon to make me able to cope. I'm going to start with creating a list of commissions and put them in order, a list I can physically see and tick off of instead of imagining a closet about to burst with unhappy clients.

I want to say thank you aswell...I have nightmares where all my commissioners to whom I owe art create hateful journals calling me out as a terrible person and hnnggg it haunts me because I know they'd be completely justified to do so. I am so terrified of upsetting people and I know I'm on the very edge of falling into a fucking black hole, I can never get my balance. When I think I'm actually making progress, something in real life hits me like a brick. On top of all this, I try to keep this stuff inside for the benefit of those close to me when really I wanna lay in bed and cry all day, sleep a bit then wake up and cry some more. BUT NOPE I am not going to let that happen because people are relying on my.

So, my current plan in the next couple of days is this:

-Create an informative list of owed art.
-Tweak my Patreon so that it's more of a donation page and therefore less of a stress factory.
-Finish time-sensitive art (trades, collab pieces etc.)
-Get the fuck to work.

I will publish the list and update it as I go so commissioners can see my progress. Commissions will ONLY be opened once EVERY other piece has been finished (on that day, I will have a drunk stream to celebrate and everyone's invited!)

Trying to make a positive step and I feel better already, I hope you will be willing to work with me a little while longer and I really, really appreciate you, every one of you. <333

Thank you for reading, if you have any advice (ohgodplease) or positive things to say (ineedpositivityohgod) then feel free to PLEASE comment, I read and appreciate every single one. If you want to yell at me...I mean I can't stop you but nyyahhh ;A;

If you read to this point, you obviously really care about me, are bored or wanna "tsk" in disgust at everything I've said and I love you for that.

-tries not to cry- 


-Jess